Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Effort is TOTALLY Overrated

JaVale McGee proves this point perfectly as he add to his impressive stat line with an easy dunk:



Oh wait - he got blasted in the face by his own teammate and then cherry-picked like Agent Beer-o in a Tuesday night basketball showdown.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Made 'Em Jump: Shape Up


We here at Made 'Em Jump celebrate haircuts. The former "Agent Hiro" always keeps a fresh shape-up and the former "Agent Beero" has a mop to set your watch to. So it's only appropriate for us to comment on the amount of attention follicles have received during the current NBA season. J.R. Smith's inspired and meta tribute to the socioeconomic divide in China was well received by the internets, but we'd like to call your attention to a different, local phenomena...Jan Vesely's flowbee-doo.

We've never been to the Czech Republic, but if their women are all amazonian and their haircuts glorious, well we'll toast a Pilsner Urquell to that.

WE LIKE TO POSTERIZE!!


You know how I know you're gay?

Chico DeBarge isn't your BFF.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Portrait of a Traitor

"First off fuck your bitch and the clique you claim" - 2Pac


Seriously? I hate you. At least Bill Simmons and I somewhat settled our beef in the streets by agreeing on his NBA preview. Specifically #8.

Wiz kick of the season in Dallas tonight. Gonna be a bonerific season.

Shortest.
Season.
Preview.
Ever.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If There's 1 Thing That Can Make Us Forget Kwame.....

"Either You're Slanging Crack Rock or You Got a Wicked Jump Shot"
- Christopher "B.I.G." Wallace

Former #1 overall, meet your replacement. Cake revenge is a bitch.

...It would be us getting awarded the #1 overall pick in tonight's NBA Draft Lottery. The Wiz have a 17.8% chance of getting the top pick, with butt trifling Sacramento getting a whopping 25% of the balls as a reward for managing to suck worse than we did. Which, in their defense, can't be easy. I'll keep it short today, because I refuse to speculate over who to draft when we don't even know where we'll be picking. Don't worry though, I'll be back to preview every possible scenario when the results of tonight's lottery are in, as well as take all the digs I can at that baby Lebron and his new coked up Nike commercial. Until then, as if you needed anything else to make you want Blake Griffin more, rest assured that he knows where all the paler fairer sex are:



Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro




Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A post a-boot HOCHEE?

As our loyal readership knows (Hi Mom!) , the Brain Trust collectively resides in the greater Choco-bot City area. There are a number of major sports franchises to follow, but the most rabid fanbase belongs to the Caps. They have A LOT to cheer about right now:

- Ovechkin


- Saving Hockey


- Not wearing these

During the current Stanley Cup play-offs "Rock the Red" parties are everywhere, but probably most impressive is the devoted following from the ladies. Nevermind the fact that this website is obvioulsy a shameless marketing ploy and our boys are posing for glamour shot-esque photos - the more important takeaway is that these guys are gettin 'em wetter than a zamboni.

The photo above was taken immediately after game 6 - Ovechkin had to satisfy his needs.
On the other hand, Sid the Kid fulfilled his nickname, by calling Gary Glitter.

GET 'ER DONE CAPS. Game 7 tonight - look for a tight one....

Friday, May 8, 2009

PSYCH

We always knew he was a good guy, who has the best interests of Wisconsites and wild animals at the forefront of his heart.....

Look at this smile - who could ever believe he would come back to screw over Packers fans?

Look at those beady little eyes - we're sure he had at least 2-3 full thoughts during the course of his life.



Thursday, May 7, 2009

Gizzled Ol' Douche-Nozzle

We ALL know he's coming back, so let's just prepare for the worst: the 24 hour Farve-a-thon that is ESPN; the media fawning and the annual Rachel Nichols vigil. Not to mention the endless, mindless, spineless praise he'll receive. The list of cliches used to describe Brett Farve over the years is long and nauseating. The popsicle mouth-massages have come from everywhere, most notably: Peter King, John Madden and this guy (literally). Let's examine a few that we are destined to hear a MILLION TIMES over the course of this summer:

"He's like a BIG KID out there..."

"He's a gun-slinger..."

"He LOVES the game of football..."

Let's address each shameless lie in order:

  • "Big-kid": Implies his disposition is innocent. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This guy is the most calculating, image whore this side of Alex Rodriguez. KSK did a superlative job of deconstructing this female-napkin.
  • "Gun-Slinger": if this is a euphemism for a brain-dead interception machine...then I have no complaint. If it so happens to mean something other than chucking 40 yrd lame ducks into double coverage, then may I please direct your attention to the following exhibits:







    or this:






'Nuff Said

  • "LOVES the game of FOOTBALL": the only thing Farves loves is himself and a comfortable pair of WRANGLER JEANS....and possibly the other little nuances that make life in Hattiesburg Mississippi so delightful!

Farve is a pompus ass-hat, whose sole reason for returning to football AGAIN is to avenge the blow dealt to his ego by Packers GM Ted Thompson 2 summers ago when he said*:

"You know what Brett Farve? Go pound sand you fucking begrizzled ass-fister. This organization is bigger than you and your shitty denim. We've got Sir Schnozzola on the sidelines just waiting to drop bombs to Greg Jennings. You think you can hold a big city like Green Bay Wisconsin hostage? Well you can't - now go cut your lawn and look for the dignity you lost long ago."

And that's why Ted Thompson is an adjunct editor of this site. Good day to you sirs.

* Not anywhere close to what he said.





Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bea still my beating....



It took something seismic to stir the Brain Trust from its fitful slumber. We just woke-up from a terrible nightmare where Darius Songalia averaged 20 minutes per game and our beloved Boullesz won a whopping 19 games! What the shit? Are you fucking-me? (if your name is Megan Fox, hopefully the answer is "YES")

Well, at least we can still rely on the comedic stylings of Bea Arthur to get us through the next two weeks until the NBA draft. Ah, crap!

R.I.P. - Bea. You will be missed (particularly by Jeffrey Ross when roasting celebrities).
Look for a draft preview from The Agency sometime during the next two weeks. We still love the 'Zards and adding RedBone, would make us very happy.